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Cogent Goose

Molly and Paul are enjoying eachother’s company at their favorite cafe. They have a palpable chemistry and make a handsome couple.

Molly: (laughing) So the more I laughed, the more I snorted and the sound of my snort just made me laugh even harder. I could tell my professor was horrified.

Paul: But your snorts are so charming.

Molly: I guess they can’t take off points for snorting because I got my critiques back today and I got an A!

Paul: Molly that’s great! Well, you’re through the worst of it now. Wait, has Jenkins done his Marx impersination yet?!

Molly: No. Is it funny?

Paul: Well, he thinks it is. (doing a purposely bad German accent) “While the miser is merely a capitalist gone mad, the capitalist is a rational miser.”

They both laugh at his impression of an impression.

Paul: Hey, just let me know when I can help you study for that final.

Molly: (contemplative) Two impoverished MBAs. What is to become of us?

Their eyes connect.

Paul: (summoning the guts to say something bold) Well, actually Molly I wanted to talk to you about…

Molly’s phone beeps and she looks at it.

Molly: Oh good!

Paul: What?

Molly: Goose is here.

Paul: (not enthusiastic) Great.

A slightly older, uglier, stupider, balder, grubbier guy with a unibrow walks in and sits next to Molly.

Molly: Hey you!

Goose: Hey Dollface! Oh, now what do we have here?

Goose takes an uncomfortable amount of time removing a stray eyelash from Molly’s face. Molly is submissive and grateful. In the process, her makeup is considerably smudged. She stares into Goose’s eyes adoringly.

Paul: (indicating the smudge on her face) Umm, Molly.

Molly: (Snapping out of a transe) Sorry, what?

Paul: Nevermind. So Goose, how’s the parking business working out for you?

Goose: Funny you should ask Pete, they just transfered me to the booth right smack on I-90. Biggest tolled interstate in the state.

Paul: Wow.

Goose: Yeah, so we get pretty busy. It only took me two and a half years to get there.

Molly: How’s Molly?

Goose: Oh he’s doing good. Yeah, almost house trained.

Paul looks confused.

Molly: Goose named his bloodhound after me.

Paul: (trying to feign sincerity) That’s… neat.

Goose: How ’bout you Pete…

Paul: It’s Paul actually.

Goose: Sorry Paul. How’s your um… wait I remember…

Paul: Internship? It’s going great actually, they just offered me a full-time position.

Molly: (in shock) Paul! That’s great!

Goose: Welcome to my world Paul, congratulations. You’re a working man now.

Molly: Why didn’t you tell me?!

Paul: Well, I was waiting for the right time to… Molly, today I kinda wanted to talk about us.

Goose: Let ‘er rip Pete, what’s on your mind?

Paul: (getting impatient) Well, Goose, I was actually referring to Molly and me.

Goose: Wait a sec… Molly, be honest with me – is something going on between you and Pete?

Molly goes flush as the two guys stare at her, waiting for a response.

Molly: Okay, well it was gonna come to this sooner or later. Goose… Paul… I’ve been seeing both of you for the past three months.

Paul: Two months, three weeks and four days actually. Since our first date.

Molly: See and that’s why this is so hard for me because Paul, you are so conscientious and sweet like that. You’re smart, funny, responsible, we have so much in common. You have a beautiful personality and I am definitely attracted to you physically… But then there’s you Goose. You’re so… it’s hard to explain, wait I wrote it down the other day…

Molly goes through her purse, retrieves a small notebook and starts searching the pages.

Molly: (cont.) There’s a word that perfectly describes this one… attribute… oh here it is – cogent.

Goose and Paul: Cogent?

Goose: What does that even mean?

Molly: (reading from her notebook) Convincing or believable by virtue of…

Paul: (finishing her definition) …clear and logical presentation, yeah yeah. Goose? Cogent? Really?

Molly: Well, you haven’t seen his cogent side.

Paul: What, so I’m not cogent enough for you?

Molly: No, you’re plenty cogent it’s just… Goose is cogent, you know, it’s like he epitomizes cogency.

Goose: Yeah, I can see that.

Molly: You guys, these past few months have been amazing, I’ve been happier than I can ever remember being. It’s like… both of you put together make the perfect man.

Paul: Okay so let me get this straight… I have the looks and the brains and the personality, and he’s…

Goose: Cogent. Weren’t you paying attention?

Paul: Cogent.

Molly: Paul, I would appreciate it if you could try to be understanding. I know this must be hard for both of you…

Goose: Not really.

Molly: …but I really, I just don’t know what I’d do if I lost either one of you. What do you think?

Paul: What do I think about what?!

Molly: I just want us all to get along and be happy. I don’t want anything to change.

Goose: I’m cool with happy.

Paul: Molly, you’re going to have to choose one of us.

Molly: (sigh of frustration) I hoped it wouldn’t come to this.

Paul: Yeah, well that’s just how it has to be. I mean we have needs too, don’t we Goose?

Goose is trying to get pepper in the salt shaker through the little holes.

Goose:  Come again?

Paul: Well I have needs. Molly, I really like you and I need to know if this is going somewhere.

Molly: And you Goose?

Goose: (cogently) My dear, the time has come to choose.

Molly: (to Paul) You see? So cogent.

Paul: Well?

Molly: I need some time to think things through…

Beat

Molly: (cont.) Okay Paul. I choose you Paul.

Paul sighs and then laughs with relief.

Molly: I’m sorry to put you through all that Goose.

Goose: (looking unaffected) No biggy. Well, I guess I’ll leave you two love birds alone.

Molly: No wait! Goose, I choose you!

Paul and Goose: Really?!

Molly: (breaking down) Yes please don’t go! I can’t imagine my life without you!

He sits back down and she grips his arm.

Molly: (crying) Watching you start to walk away I just… I felt so empty!

Paul: Oh this is ridiculous!

Paul storms off.

Molly smiles and cuddles up against an uncomfortable Goose.

Molly: Oh Goose, let’s run away together. Let’s go somewhere exciting.

Goose: (checking his watch) Actually, I need to stop by the laundromat before someone steals my whites again.

Molly: That sounds wonderful! Goose?

Goose: Yes?

Molly: Say something cogent.

Goose: Using starch to iron your whites depletes the ozone layer.

Molly lets out an infatuated sigh.